Professionals

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

-Mark Twain

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

- Laurence J. Peter

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

- Franz Kafka

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

- Charles R. Darwin

A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

- Elbert Hubbard

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.